Feelings.

About every night, just before drifting to sleep, I'd always lay on my bed wide awake, not being able to sleep, and think about life. I didn't know when I started having insomnia but yeah, it has been haunting me for a few years now.

Yesterday night I was laying on my bed just thinking, and I pondered on "feelings". I asked God why he even made feeling happened. Why don't set the limit to friends and nothing more. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone could be just friends and no "love" or Boy-Girl relationships to worry about? Wouldn't it be better if human beings don't have to go through that heart-broken period where they get sleepless nights and tear-stained pillows in the morning?

I suddenly thought about "Vampire Diaries" In this drama, the vampires gets to choose to switch off or switch on their feelings. If human beings have the option to switch off feelings, wouldn't that be great? When they encounter feelings that is unbearable they just switch it off. When they face hurts and heart-breaks from their love ones they just switch it off. When they start to think too much, they just switch it off. If only I had a off button for my feelings.

On my last semester, one of the essays our English lecturer asked us to write was the topic " Why do tertiary student commits suicide? " I thought hard on this topic and tried putting myself in the suicider's shoes . The people who commits suicide doesn't actually wants to die, majority of people who attempts suicide are often ambivalent about killing themselves. These category of people only desire to put an end to these unbearable feelings or a situation that may seem intolerable for them. Most suicidal people may well be feeling confused, trapped, frightened, hopeless, distressed, depressed, or so on. But they are just desperate to escape from his or her unending suffering rather than to actually die. At times like this, committing suicide may feel like the only solution for them. Think about it! Who in the world would actually want to die? We say that we want to suicide or we want to die only because we are facing intolerable feelings or problems. Even I myself when I have suicidal thoughts, all I ever wanted is to switch off my feelings.

Maybe I think too much, that's the problem , I'm one of those guys that God made them think a lot , every little thing people says to me will make me ponder on it for a period of time. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through these unending pain in most nights. At times I secretly pray that God would just use his almighty hands to take my feelings away once and for all.