Moving on

Dear Mindy(Not her real name) , you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, you're easy going, you're very in love with God, you're friendly & kind, but most of all, you're utterly adorable. I don't see how anyone would not fall for you. I am no exception, I too, fell into your charms, I fell deep and find it hard to get out.

The song from Ollie Murs "Dear Darlin' is a song best put for my feelings to you. I'm not really sure whether you were serious or not when you told me that you didn't remember dating me few years back, but just for the record, I enjoyed every 24 days of it. I know it may be short and meaningless to you, or you might not have treated the relationship seriously but those days were heaven on earth to me. Seeing that big sweet adorable smile on your face seriously warms my heart. The way you smile and show your appreciation makes me feel proud of the very little things I do for you. You make me happy :)

After you left with me, I sort of kinda fell apart, but yet, as years go by, I get to see you grow more and more in love with Jesus, and to be honest, nothing ever made me happier. I was on cloud nine! To see you smile truly from the heart, to see you fall in love with the God that deserves your love a billion times more than I do. I thank you for leaving with a good outcome.

All this time I have to admit, I've been really selfish, I've been trying really hard to make you smile, to impress you, and I'm sorry for not seeing what's really important. If being apart from you meant you'll have a greater future and spiritual life, then so be it. I want you to be happy, I want you to grow more and more in love with God, and I want you to change people's life like how you've changed mine. You made me realised how much I needed God, how little faith I have. I'm sorry if I didn't turn out right, and I'm sorry if I disappoint you at times, I've been disappointing quite a number of people recently. But hey, I'll change, I promised not to you but myself that I'm going to be a better man for God. And I won't give up on him. It hurts to know that I wouldn't be spending my future with you but yeah, our conversation yesterday night assured me that you're really strong in spirit and you can certainly take care of yourself, and I respect that. I'd always keep you in my prayers and I hope you'd do the same for me.

I love you, no doubt. But throughout the years in my life, I learn that sometimes when you really love someone, you need to let them go, let them be truly happy, let them smile sincerely from their hearts, even when that sweet adorable smile isn't for you. Thank you Mindy, thank you for the truth and words you told me that eventually opened my eyes. To see reality. I'll miss you, but do know that I'm very proud of you, like how all fathers are extremely proud of their daughters. Please take good care of yourself and overcome every trials and obstacles you might face! Never give up. Never take off that special smile you always wear. God bless.

Feelings.

About every night, just before drifting to sleep, I'd always lay on my bed wide awake, not being able to sleep, and think about life. I didn't know when I started having insomnia but yeah, it has been haunting me for a few years now.

Yesterday night I was laying on my bed just thinking, and I pondered on "feelings". I asked God why he even made feeling happened. Why don't set the limit to friends and nothing more. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone could be just friends and no "love" or Boy-Girl relationships to worry about? Wouldn't it be better if human beings don't have to go through that heart-broken period where they get sleepless nights and tear-stained pillows in the morning?

I suddenly thought about "Vampire Diaries" In this drama, the vampires gets to choose to switch off or switch on their feelings. If human beings have the option to switch off feelings, wouldn't that be great? When they encounter feelings that is unbearable they just switch it off. When they face hurts and heart-breaks from their love ones they just switch it off. When they start to think too much, they just switch it off. If only I had a off button for my feelings.

On my last semester, one of the essays our English lecturer asked us to write was the topic " Why do tertiary student commits suicide? " I thought hard on this topic and tried putting myself in the suicider's shoes . The people who commits suicide doesn't actually wants to die, majority of people who attempts suicide are often ambivalent about killing themselves. These category of people only desire to put an end to these unbearable feelings or a situation that may seem intolerable for them. Most suicidal people may well be feeling confused, trapped, frightened, hopeless, distressed, depressed, or so on. But they are just desperate to escape from his or her unending suffering rather than to actually die. At times like this, committing suicide may feel like the only solution for them. Think about it! Who in the world would actually want to die? We say that we want to suicide or we want to die only because we are facing intolerable feelings or problems. Even I myself when I have suicidal thoughts, all I ever wanted is to switch off my feelings.

Maybe I think too much, that's the problem , I'm one of those guys that God made them think a lot , every little thing people says to me will make me ponder on it for a period of time. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go through these unending pain in most nights. At times I secretly pray that God would just use his almighty hands to take my feelings away once and for all.

God, why show me this dream?

Yesterday night i was having a conversation with Mindy(not her real name) we were talking about some guy, and she told me that she didn't like that guy. I, who loved Mindy very much, took this opportunity to ask her "then who do you like?" she said "God :) , why? do you want me to say you?" Then i told her i just want her to be honest as i am curious .. she told me " I only like GOD :)" Those words pierced my heart yet i feel happy for her to always have God by her side :) im proud of her.

Later that night, i fell into a deep sleep at around 3:30am  and out of the blue, i am back in my Sabah house( I'm currently studying at Selangor) and I was in the kitchen. Suddenly Mindy walked in the kitchen and gave me a big hug, not knowing what to do or say, i hugged her back. she pulled me close and told me " i didn't say i like you, because i love you." Hearing that three words came out of her mouth made me freaking happy! i was beyond cloud nine! I was reaching cloud eighteen or something! Then i hold her closer and kissed her for the first time. It felt magical.

After that, we went to my room, and she sat on my bed, i took out a box from my cupboard, put it on my bed, and i lay my head on her leg while showing her all those little things she used to gave me, we were having so much fun and laughing like we were a real couple. We talked and just enjoy the moment for awhile then went downstairs and ran into my parents. She greeted them nicely and my parents talked with her for awhile, i could see that my parents liked Mindy a lot too. We went to watch tv and was cuddling when i suddenly hear tons of whatsapp message tune, then reality strike, i woke up at my Selangor bed, still thinking it was real.. that i was her boyfriend.. for about 20 seconds, and then the dream just fades away. I was wide awake, and i know that she never said i love you.. and it was all just a dream.

God, why show me this dream when you know she doesn't even like me? I don't understand.